Instructions unclear, I’ve pulled and turned the red thingies with “1” and “2” and “APU” written on them, now it says “Airspeed low” and the the steering wheel is shaking. What do I do now, please send instructions urgently.
Push it.
Twist it.
Bop it.
I’m about to have dinner, but I’ll be back as soon as I’m done, I swearsies
Ok, first take a deep breath and calm down. Airspeed low is a good thing, you need to take this slowly! If the shaking of the steering wheel bugs you too much, they are adjustable, you just need to push it away from you.
Now one of the biggest dangers to planes flown randomly around the sky is other planes, so you need to get on the radio with air traffic control and request permission to crash and they can give you a clear vector from your current position to a suitable crash site.
If you’re lucky, there will be a nearby deserted island, in which case surviving the crash will make a much more interesting story than a plane crashing on a deserted island and everyone dying (or maybe the island will be purgatory or something and you really did die, or maybe purgatory will be a version where you didn’t crash… Be prepared to be very confused, especially since you won’t get to see any of the flashbacks that gives context to everyone who will lie about everything, even stupid shit like miraculously being able to walk again or other things that would be cool to talk about).
Oh, that is unless you’re one of the few adults on a plane full of kids, in which case, sorry, you’re fucked.
Super important to know where the radio is, cause I’m gonna want to listen to some nice chill songs while I soar through the air towards certain death cause I don’t know how to fly a plane but the guy behind me kept kicking my chair so I yelled “If you don’t stop kicking my chair, I swear to god, I am turning this plane around!” and he didn’t stop so I had to do it to save face.
What does “make wings bigger” actually do?
Extends the flaps, i.e. makes the chord of the wing longer making it able to be more effective at lower airspeed. (takeoff and landing).
The flaps are retracted at cruise to make the wing more efficient at cruise.
Is it separate from the ailerons?
Ailerons are for imparting roll.
Flaps and slats are not for steeringI believe the ailerons are on the outside half of the wing, and the flaps are on the inside half (toward the fuselage)
Music is my aeroplane.
It’s my aeroplane.
Songbird sweet and sour Jane,
And music is my aeroplane,
It’s my aeroplane.
Few additions:
- “reverse thrust” → “slow down (after you land)”
- (at foot pedals) “Push both to brake (after you land), push one or the other to turn”
- “go fast” → “go fast (keep levers together)”
- “keep it above the ground” → “keep it above the ground, but not too high”
- (at IAS indiciator) “how fast you’re going”, “keep between 170 and 400, lower to 140 when landing”
- “make wings bigger” → “make wings bigger, required when taking off or landing”
How could they forget the foot pedals? That’s a whole axis and objectively the most fun controls on the plane.
adding:
- All the buttons behind you are circuit breakers.
Yeah, the foot pedals and IAS indicator are glaring omissions. I guess they really just want you to fly with autopilot and autothrust, but good fucking luck setting up autoland without prior experience.
Set the autopilot, make yourself a coffee while you skim the manual, successful landing.
i mean i assume good luck landing without prior experience in general … surely it’d be easier for someone over the radio to walk you through setting some auto things correctly than walking you through how to land?
Roger, Roger
What’s our vector, Victor?
Yeah, you will need someone to help you. Still, ILS CATIII autoland is a nuanced mode that needs many conditions to fullfill and is complicated to get right. Landing visually (maybe with basic ILS as a guide) is probably easier for someone with no experience.
they should add a big red emergency button behind the pilot seat that allows air traffic control to set it remotely
Some more practical tips.
- if the autopilot is engaged, you can’t physically move the wheels, because it is moving them for you. Press the red button on the steering wheel to disconnect autopilot.
- That IAS tape on the left of the sky/ground box is the most important thing on the plane. It’s got red bands on the high side and low side that you should stay out of.
- if the plane tells you there’s a “stall, stall” you need to push the wheels forward to make the nose go down. And keep the speed above that lower red band.
- the black button on the wheel is the push-to-talk to talk on the radio, or maybe the internal PA system. Depends how it’s set up.
- most important: the switch for the “fasten seatbelt” sign is usually on the bottom of the top panel. You can flip it on and off as much as you want. (Older planes will also let you do this with the “no smoking” sign).
if the autopilot is engaged, you can’t physically move the wheels, because it is moving them for you.
I’m pretty sure on newer 737s the autopilot disconnects when it detects a sufficient physical force on the yoke. But yeah the button is easier and safer.
most important: the switch for the “fasten seatbelt” sign is usually on the bottom of the top panel. You can flip it on and off as much as you want. (Older planes will also let you do this with the “no smoking” sign).
Gee, how the hell did everyone miss this? The most important control element.
I’m pretty sure on newer 737s the autopilot disconnects when it detects a sufficient physical force on the yoke.
On airplanes that don’t do this, the autopilot servos are clutched so that you can still override them by applying a specified amount of force. There are reinforced points on the bottom of the dash panel that you can use with your foot to get leverage to help with this.
(This also applies as a backup on planes that do disconnect)
How tempting is it to push all the buttons all the time?
(after you land)
Bold of you to assume we’re landing this in a controlled fashion.
It’s more as a reminder to NOT engage reverse thrust while in the air.
(at foot pedals) “Push both to brake (after you land), push one or the other to turn”
Doesn’t the 737 have toe brakes?
you have to remove your shoes for those?
In case it’s not just a joke, basically if you press the entire pedal, that’s rudder, and if you push with your toes and “rotate” the pedal forwards, that’s the wheel brake. If you apply the wheel brake, your ankle stays in the same spot, but your foot tilts forward.
At least that’s how it is in most planes, I’ve never flown a 737, only small ones and an A321 simulator.
It was both a joke and a need for explanation, thanks 🙂
The more toes you push down, the more slowly it goes.
I know how to drive sick. I got this. /s
Dejavu theme intensifies
All I need is “Danger Zone” playing and some aviator sunglasses.
Used to do code for those sims. Funny things is, you can ignore like 90% of the stuff in there in there cuz most of it has an auto setting.
Which one’s the seat warmer?
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking… We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight… By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
Surely you can’t be serious.
It’s big and white with a red stripe - it’s like a big Tylenol!
More coffee Johnny
No thanks!
Fly? Yes.
Land? No.
“That’s not flying, that’s falling with style!”
Land: probably
Survivable: probably not
Everyone can land at least one.
Me playing GTA.
Me flipping on reverse thrust and parking brake before touching the ground in FSX because I’m like 100 kts above the landing speed
Where is the AI button?
Ask the copilot.
Here, take this: 🍪
He says he’s got Cursory knowledge.
I like pleasure spiked with pain so yeah
It’s my aeroplane
That motherfucker’s always spiked with pain
thank
Keep plane in sky, above the ground (unless you meant to), check!✈️
Just don’t learn flying from Colonel Stuart (Die Hard 2).
Learn from this guy.
Do a barrel roll!
Or simply aim at the ground and miss :-P
