Stressed the hell out. Mental illness issues ahead. If that is a problem for your mental state, please don’t read further.

My wife is schizophrenic. She has been off her meds of her own volition for at least 6 months. The voices that manifest as part of her condition are in full force now and part of that was her thinking that no one needs to use money for credit cards anymore.

I’ve spoken with her doctor, he has agreed to get her an emergency supply of the medication she was taking before… However she’s currently in a paranoid state of mind and fully believes she’s completely functional. She wants to divorce me for taking away the credit card that’s ‘totally free’ and at this point even though she clearly isn’t right in the head, she’s not wrong enough to be forced into a facility to help.

The main problem is that she will likely not accept medication from me, I cannot force anything, and I can’t in good conscience just leave. So either she breaks more and proper intervention can begin, or she somehow cuts through the fog, voices, and her own concept of being ‘special’ to start taking the medication again.

I’m stressed because while she cannot have me removed from the house by police order for anything I’ve actually done, there’s nothing stopping her from fabricating a story that might land me in a world of trouble.

While her mind isnt right, it’s not completely wrong either. She’s still very intelligent and can connect some dots. It’s just sometimes those dots go way off course.

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I have everything moved to my new apartment finally (except the eggs, they’re gonna suck to move), but I’m not out of the woods yet. I was raised by a hoarder and having boxes stacked in every corner is making me feel filthy.

I started going back to the gym because I couldn’t stand being away any longer. Not sure if that was a good idea because I’m exhausted all the time.

My neighbor who thinks we’re friends because he talks about himself all the time and I’m too meek to stop him actually invited himself inside to talk about himself today, and I wasn’t butch enough to do anything about it.

So yeah, I don’t know. Technically improving, but still bad.

I love people, but my god do they challenge me.

Um, frustrated.

My parents are eighty years-old, driving for DoorDash (using my car), and they’re putting 1,000 miles on the car a week. There is no lifeline once my car dies, thanks to inflation. There is no other job for them, because no one will employ two octogenarians.

And I can look at the two flavors of conservatism headed our way in November and I low-key hope my mom and dad pass away instead of having to deal with the struggle that’s going to come, because it’s invariably going to get worse. I don’t think civil war is coming, but I do think the capitalists are going to find new and shitty ways to make all of our lives harder.

Well, my father’s funeral service was today. I lost him at the beginning of the month.

It’s been rough. There were a lot of issues between him and I during my childhood which caused me to quickly cut off contact with him after I moved out. But I’d always hoped that eventually there would be a way to fix things, and now that will never happen.

So there’s a lot of guilt. I do not think it was wrong to remove him from my life, but it was never intended to be a permanent thing - it’s forever written in stone as it is now though.

I need to get into some grief counseling, but starting that process has been difficult for me. It doesn’t help that I already have a lot of other medical issues constantly ongoing, and now this is just another thing to add to the list.

I’ma include some recent stuff to get it off’ my chest-equivalent <.< >.>

So, eegh. I recently found out someone’s been creeping around lying about me and endangering my actual life this way. That’s pretty stressful. Also, they’ve been involved in tearing up a community I’ve been subbed to (and kindof its instance too), so that’s just (sarcastically) lovely. On the other paw, I got some blockers out of the way and may be able to get some life help soonish. I feel ill just thinking about that sort of thing (phone calls, going places) sooo… might “procrastinate” for a day or a week v.v

[Josh and abuser who’s been targetting me, don’t read this part] Also, it friggin’ hurts to have a special kind of loneliness just festering all’ my life. I’m on some total “different wavelength” from everycritter else and will clearly never be understood and when anyone tries to help or connect with me at all they get most everything wrong, sometimes insistently so. So, people think they understand me (possibly better than I do, which is usually quite offensive) and mostly make things worse. If I tell more, they get more wrong. So I just can’t connect with anyone. Bleh.

I’ve got a constant supply of these, though. So that’s nice, I guess 🤷 🫴 🍬 shares Jolly Ranchers

Oh, and I’ve got nobody to talk to just in general 😅 [Sarcasm] Tons of fun. Just gotta put on some background noise (DoshDoshington doshing Factorio @.@) and try to find something distracting to play that my laptop can handle @.@

So I finally got this stupid apartment complex that I’m trying to move to respond to me. Had a couple questions on the lease, but the most important was that I was supposed to get like 2wks free rent, but the lease didn’t show that. They sent me the lease last Wednesday, expecting me to sign within 24-48hrs, while promising to “answer my questions promptly” but then it took them 4-5 biz days to get back to me. I emailed, called, and texted every day. I told them that I’m not signing anything until I get my questions answered. I was getting worried as I already put down a small deposit.

When they called today, I was half expecting to have to argue with them, but luckily the leasing specialist said “Sorry about that; I’ve sent you a new lease with the concession.” And it was there. Still need to review this new lease in its entirety, in case they added anything that wasn’t in the first lease. Which has happened to me before elsewhere; I had the apt managers redo a lease twice, because they kept messing it up. Only signed it on the third try. Don’t know if they were incompetent or trying to pull as fast on me; honestly, probably the first given how that place was run. Anyway, always read over your entire lease, even if they just corrected one little thing.

Hopefully get this signed by Friday. Once this is finished, I’ll be able to book a truck and fly some of my family out to help me.

Of to a good start so far, yesterday I met up with my buddies for a DND night for the first time in 2 months and this morning it was raining for the first time in weeks.

Last week ended on a sour note of having an entire day ruined by a migraine but I still managed to get some stuff done before it went into full swing on Saturday so that’s not too bad.

This week has potential for sure and I’m really hoping it goes smoothly, even though half of my department at work (my department only has 2 people lol) is on vacation.

Edit: Looks like my good start hit its first speed bump, forgot my work security pass at home. It’s too long of a drive to grab it and come back so it looks like I’m going to be a thorn in the side of management all day today.

Couldn’t be better. Returned to work with no issues after completing a partial hospitalization program.

Figured out I need to connect with the trans community again IRL to cope with the gestures at the news and the United States political discourse.

Fortunately, that’s not so hard to do in the Twin Cities.

Might write like a gonzo article about the Kafkaesque experience of trying to pretend everything is fine while the youth are dying and there’s real question about continued access to lifesaving medical care.

That all probably sounds a bit dark but I am coping and maintaining optimism. I’m not ashamed of not being cis anymore and that’s a big deal for me.

Bad news: I caught whatever the hell my wife had last week. So far I don’t think I’m doing as badly as she did though.

Good news: PICKED UP MY NEW BIKE YESTERDAY!

Annoying news: The bike came with 44cm wide handle bars. I’m running 40cm wide and have contemplated going to 38cm wide on my current bike.

But still, NEW BIKE!

Temperature has been haywire for a month or so. Yesterday it said 29° feels like 37°, how lol.

Other than that I have had a pleasant week, I haven’t hangout much with irl friends but that’s because helping out dad with work has kept me tired. Gaming side, I haven’t let go of Peggle Deluxe despite ending the Adventure mode a while ago, it’s such a genuinely fun game that I can’t help trying to 100% it.

Excited to try Portal this week, always wanted to play it.

i finished riding across iowa a few days ago. now need to return to “normal” life, which is so much more complicated than waking up every day to ride my bike 40-80 miles.

We had our baby shower this past weekend, and I’m glad to have it behind us. There’s still another one for/from my side of the family in two weeks but it should be very low-key comparatively. My mother drove for 8 hours to be here for the weekend (New England summer roadwork smh) and it was the first time we’ve seen her since last August, so it was really wonderful to have her up. I sent her home with so many plants…

I’m nearly done rebuilding our original bird coop, and it’ll be super great to have that finished and ready. It was a huge pain to move by myself with no tractor access but the frame held up admirably, and the new tweaks should make maintenance way easier - it feels like a prerequisite with all of the additional work we’ll be facing in another month.

Kinda funny how easy it is for me to lose complete interest in something and also just how freeing that can be.

It’s nice.