Online dating is normality now. What are some red flags you should avoid?
I met my husband on Plenty of fish. I dont know about red flags, because the obvious have been pointed out.
But in my first conversation with him on the app was just him sharing photos of his cat. I thought it was super corny but rolled with it, because I love cats, who doesn’t, and I had just rescued a cat (first time pet owner) a few months prior myself. I definitely remember thinking, this dude is a corn ball, though.
We texted a few weeks about everything and anything. He never disappeared for days or weeks, we texted constantly. He never brought up sex, or any sexy talk in that time. Completely respectful, we chatted like good friends.
Then on our first date we went on a really long walk, and I felt safe enough to go back to his place where I got to meet his cat. It was then, I noticed how much he spoiled his cat. It was beyond sweet. He babies this boy, told me how he was the only kitten to survive his litter, how he spent thousands at the vet when he was a kitten, even sleeping with the kitten on the bathroom floor for weeks while they went through it. And now grown, the kitty was just a massive ahole just as cats should be.
He also never pressured me for anything physical. Not once did he ever make an objective comment about me other than “You look nice, you have pretty eyes”. We did goodbye hugs for the first, idk, 3-4 weeks of dating. I initiated the first kiss around week 4/5. Then he took me on a weekend trip to the beach where we made “us” official and we slept together the first time. Amazing.
Green flags everywhere.
Anyway, our 8 year anniversary is next fall, and its all because I saw how much he loved and cared for his cat.
The thing about cat lovers, is they usually understand consent.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Awww, that’s a cute as heck story. Happy for you!
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Im Jewish and while we do have “standard” traditional gender roles, we have:
- Traditions where men take care of the kids and women work
- Traditions where both of them take care of the kids
- And finally (but also more traditionally Jewish), traditions where both work and the community takes care of the kids
In Judaism all of those are correct and traditional. However, in Judaism none of them are enforced by the torah (its more descriptive rather than prescriptive) so you can just ignore them and still consider yourself traditional.
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“NO BI GIRLS”. I get why women fear this but this phrase doesn’t say a lot about her tolerance.
Demands about the kind of message they want. I’ve seen a few women say things like “if you want a message back you’ve got to say more than just ‘great tattoos’ it has to be a really stimulating opener”. Ffs when you’ve got a 3 line profile I don’t have a lot to go on!
Men with any kind of aggression towards women in their profile.
Men with jokes about women that have a nasty streak.
So…many…
I understand what you’re saying, however as a lesbian the last time I tried dating online I had lots, and I mean SHITLOADS, of nice chats with women who, after a week of working up to ready for a RL date, then dumped on me that they’re happily married and were looking for a side piece / unicorn / partner in cuckolding / you name it.
This was with a thorough profile that clearly stated that I was looking for a monogamous life partner who was a woman or somewhere on the fem to androgynous spectrum.
I also had lots of messages from men, even though my profile was set to receive messages from women only.
In 6 months of trying every day I’d managed one date that went badly. It was bad enough that I gave up on the idea and deleted my profile, and was on my own for a year … then I met my now-wife while doing a sociable hobby. She’s bi, and not weird about it.
Fuck online dating, and fuck any women who attach “bi” to their self descriptions who just want to treat lesbians like a sex toy. It’s their fault we have to put that in our profiles.
Lord those are particularly bad experiences I’m sorry you went through that. I see it differently but I understand your point of view
It’s the reason the message gets put on profiles, rightly or wrongly … sorry.
If you’re serious then message them authentically anyway (maybe mention that you’re single and serious about a real relationship), 95% won’t care that you’re bi and the remaining gold star lesbians are insufferable anyway ;-)
No mate it’s not that, it’s just that I do a lot of voluntary work in the community and I’ve seen the impact on bi people. Plus my own beliefs are we all have to stand together as a community. I’ve had truly awful experiences with 2 bi partners though so I do get it. Including the classic bi stereotype of cheating on me with a man…
Duly noted … and yes, the community should stick together. But. When it comes to personal choices of who to engage with with a view to forming an intimate bond, then people have to be able to set their own parameters.
I understand your perspective 😊
Just to be real, if a profile says no bi girls, anyone who is coming into things authentically is just going to respect that (or not want a partner who is okay with biphobic sentiments like that) and simply not message. Anyone you’re trying to exclude is not reading that far.
I’m a bi woman and the same keeps happening to us, too. It has nothing to do with bi or lesbian, there are just shitty people out there. The second I put “bisexual” in a profile I got flooded with requests for threesomes from both men and women.
I’m guessing it hurts even more if those people are appropriating your chosen identifier in order to prey on others :-(
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You don’t have to apologise for the behaviour of others, I just wanted to provide context for why it happens!
Christ, i wonder how many of those women were actually bi and how many were just brainwashed unicorn hunters
All from column 2, I think.
I believe that a large chunk of biphobia comes from LG&T peoples experiences with this sort of thing.
yeah I had an old girlfriend hit me up last year…because she was now married and her hubs wanted a unicorn. Noped so fast I left vapor trails
Big oof (as I’m told the kids say today)
the seriously ridiculous thing is I’m ALSO married…which came up like, immediately, but apparently she thought because she liked to fuck around I did too. No. I do not.
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Yep IME it’s usually painful experiences behind it. What’s the story with bisexual people in China?
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That’s sad but really interesting thanks
I’ve fortunately never had to use online dating apps myself, but I have looked over male friends’ dating profiles.
I think my best guy friend would be one of the better men out there, but he just got out of a seven-year relationship, is in a hurry to settle down before 30, and comes off really intense in his profile and messages without realizing it. Three big red flags right there.
One example in his profile: while it isn’t a red flag to like cuddling, it is one to say his idea of a perfect first date is meeting for coffee, then going back to his place to cuddle and watch a movie. It took a lot to convince him to revise that section on the grounds that most women prioritize safety and won’t want to go back to a man’s place on the first date.
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Yup to all that!
I’d add to that that if you do send a message that’s well thought out and light hearted, and they send back something lazy and/or thoughtless, then don’t bother replying.
I think the worst profiles I’ve found are the ones that list who they don’t want – which, surprise surprise, is often an independent woman who’s got a personality and decision making skills.
I’ve found more than one insulting feminists and a guy who stated in capital letters “MAKE WOMEN GREAT AGAIN.”
All in all, a lot of yikes. It is a hellscape out there. Stay safe.
Yep! Worst of that I ever saw said “Do NOT contact me if you don’t meet the following criteria” which included “stunningly attractive /beautiful, slim/athletic build” and various independent woman factors. It all rang true, not tongue in cheek… he really was that bad
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Hey Baggins welcome to WomensStuff! We’re a trans+ inclusive women’s only community so unless you’re in that group please don’t comment again ❤️
Oops!
It’s np thanks for your understanding 😊
- shirtless selfies not at the beach/pool
- photos showing him with children without their faces blurred
- minimal profile with “ask” instead of filling with information
- “Conservative” or “devoted Christian”
- implying a first date at their place
- “I’ll pick you up!”
Make me laugh
Men with “poly/enm” in their profiles with too many solo hobbies listed. I’ve seen far too many men in my area claim to be in poly/enm relationships and it turns out they’re cheating on their partner and aren’t supposed to be dating.
Also the “in town for the week” folks. I don’t believe you, what are you hiding?
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