For those of you who received the placebo universe, you are free to collect your Aperture Science Survivalist Boy Scouts badge and leave with your parents. As for everybody else, a member of our Aperature for Adolescents team is on their way to escort you to the lab, where you will be placed in indefinite cryostatis. The boys in legal have just informed us that you are now legally classified as weapons of mass destruction and are, unfortunately, a walking, currently-breathing violation of the Geneva Convention.
Cave Johnson
Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperature Science. I know upper management gets a bad rap, and I would like to set the record straight: here at Aperature Science, employees are family. And much like a nuclear family, unpaid work and a little bit of acute radiation poisoning are expected.
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Cake day: August 16th, 2024
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Cave Johnson here. I had a couple of the boys in the lab distill a few volunteers into a pure spirit one time. In a blind taste test, our visionless visionaries described it as having a “hint of cherry, sensations of memories long forgotten, and an impending feeling of eternal damnation and suffering.” Quite the jokers they were. A real shame that they spontaneously combusted and melted into a viscous goo shortly after.