Step one: buy some wheatgrass seeds (also known as berries). You can find them at pet stores but health-focused grocers will probably sell them two.

Step two: get a pot with a drainage hole and some potting soil that drains well. If you want you can just grab some dirt from outside (as long as it’s not very clay based) and use whatever pot you have on hand, but better drainage will help prevent over watering

Obviously you should have some sort of drip catch on the bottom on the pot if this grass is growing indoors

Step three: put the soil in the pot and don’t pack it down at all. Lay a heavy amount of seed on the top layer, and then cover the seed with a paper towel. Use a dedicated water bottle with a mister and keep the paper towel lightly moist.

4: Cover your pot with a little towel or whatever you want. The idea is to keep the seeds in the dark while they germinate. Within a few days you should see the seeds sprouting, at which point you remove the paper towel and whatever you are using to block light and continue to mist, but now directly on the seeds. At this point you need to either leave the seeds somewhere with plenty of direct sunlight, or you need to buy a little USB growlight to keep them happy.

Do not even think of watering until these sprouts reach 5-6 inches of height, just mist them (more heavily over time if you need) to prevent over watering. If it’s above 80f where you live you want them inside. 90f and above will kill them outright.

5: Within a week you should have some very aggressively growing wheatgrass. If you are using a growlight… Congratulations! You can now touch grass right at your desk. Take that you smarmy bastards. NO I WILL NOT LOG OUT, YES I AM TOUCHING GRASS.

6: After about two weeks of growth you may find the grass beginning to look less happy. This probably means that your soil doesn’t have enough nutrients. Luckily there’s this awesome fertilizer called PISS. That’s right, just dilute your piss at a 10:1 ratio with water and you’ll be giving all the nitrogen those bad boys need (feed them piss maybe once every two weeks, or dilute 20:1 and give it with every watering). Any fertilizer with a heavy nitrogen amount will do well, and generally anything sold for a lawn that’s got most of its nutrition base in nitrogen will be great. Fish emulsion works well too, but will not smell good so yeah… Keep in mind.

There you go, now you can touch grass right at the comfort of your desk. Logging off is for smucks. Also, your indoor cat will thank you.